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Thursday, May 20, 2010

I Managed To Let It Go

Last Saturday started out like a typical Saturday around our house. It’s race day and this time it was my turn. Because of our little one we only race one car at a time.

We decided to try a new transbrake button in my car to help me with the red lights. It was a longer button mounted on the floor next to the shifter. The idea was to help slow my very fast reaction times down, allowing me to leave off the flash instead of having to hold back on the tree.

My husband loaded everything for me which I greatly appreciate. Though I know he is trying to help, I also know he would rather do the work than be inside watching the munchkin.

As usual, when I haven’t been in the car for awhile I start to get a defeatist attitude which makes me not want to go as much as I do want to go. Have you ever felt that way? Where you really want to go, but feel like you are so rusty that it it’s a waste of money and time because you feel you won’t be competitive? That’s how I was feeling. This race was a more expensive race to enter and with the larger payout meant that better racers would be there. I felt defeated before I had even left the house.

This attitude starts to poison your whole outlook on everything, ultimately making you a rather unpleasant person to be around. I felt so awful in my head I even wanted to get away from myself. This of course started to cause little arguments to pop up between my husband and myself. He wasn’t feeling very positive either and was in a bad mood to begin with himself. Well, we clashed like two thunderstorms. He said something to me that was really awful and mean and rather than lose it, I just got in the truck and took off with race car in tow.

I never like to leave like that or let someone I love leave like that as I know how precious life is and how someone you love can be taken away from you in an accident to where you never see them again. So for me to leave like that was very significant since I never like to do that. Well, after gunning it up the street I realized I forgot my cell phone. Shoot! OK, I didn’t say “shoot”, but I try and keep this G rated. So I had to find a place to turn around and head back. It was so embarrassing. I stormed in, picked up my phone and left without saying a word.

All the way to the track I was plotting my escape from the marriage. Feeling like I no longer wanted to be married to such a heartless man, tired of the put downs he says in anger and frustration and forgetting all the wonderful things he does for me.

When I got to the track I focused on getting my car ready, but wouldn’t you know it, it wouldn’t idle for me. That figures. With some help from a fellow racer we got the hood off and managed to straighten it out. Being the good friend, he knew I wasn’t feeling “right”, so he called my husband and told him the trouble I was having with the car. He was there in no time.

When I saw him and my little man, all was forgotten. We were so relieved to see each other and happy that we just let our previous feelings fall by the wayside. He was my husband, we have a little one who is healthy, we were doing what we love and that’s all that matters.

The race didn’t go as planned, I went out in third round by breaking out by .001 and the button made my lights way too late. It even stuck once! Though things didn’t go as planned racing wise, we enjoyed some nice time sitting and eating our picnic dinner he packed, playing with our son and visiting with friends.

At the end of the night we were best friends again and nothing was ever mentioned of our fight and my departure. Sometimes it is best not to over-talk matters. Sometimes it is best to just let things go. Marriage can be a hard partnership to be in especially when we are feeling “off”. Love is what allows you to let it go and go on loving the person you fell in love with.

Lesson learned.

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