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Thursday, June 23, 2011

It’s My Turn Now

Now it’s my turn to have surgery and I must admit that it frightens me. I hate to admit to being afraid of something, but I cannot hide from it.
I have never before had any surgery where I received general anesthesia and I do not know what to expect.
I am afraid of what they might find. I’m afraid of the pain and most of all I’m afraid of never waking up.
I fear my son growing up without a mom like I did. I fear that if that happens he may forget me.
The saying, by Dr. Forrest C. Shaklee, “Worry is fear and fear should never be tolerated,” keeps coming to mind, but it’s hard to push worry and fear out. I feel like such a coward and at times I hate myself for it.
I struggle with the unknown. I hate not knowing the outcome.
I know I must release control to God and others, and giving up control, especially over my own life is something I never could do very well.
I hate being at the mercy of others.
Trusting in others and trusting in God is extremely hard for me to do. I do not wish to anger God with my lack of trust, and I want to trust Him, I just am having a hard time doing so.
I know I should trust God and have faith in His mercy, but I struggle with that trust issue more than anything.
Before my son and my husband, my will to live was weak at times. There were times, I could have cared less if I survived, but now all this has changed. I have such a desire to live, to see my son grow and to grow old with my husband. I have always said I want to live long enough to bounce my son’s children on my knee and to spoil them rotten.
I am praying so hard to do be able to do that. I pray that God forgives my lack of trust in Him as I try to learn to let go, to submit to His will and to…….gulp……..trust.


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